Look Who's Talking
by rubycaspar
Summary: A spoof of the film. A JT story told through the eyes of Teyla's newborn son. Spoilers and sarcasm abound.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer – I own none of the Stargate franchise.

SPOILERS Series four, straight up.

A/N – This is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever written… just go with it, and let me know what you think!

**Chapter One – I find myself surrounded by lunatics.**

What. The. Hell.

I mean seriously, _what the hell? _Where am I? What's going on? I'm so cold… and it's so bright… _what the hell just happened? _One minute I'm warm and safe – okay, so the past while it was a bit weird in there… it was like something was squeezing me… but it was still better than being out here.

Where is out here, anyway? Cold and bright… so, it's obviously…er… well I don't have much to compare it with, really, but it's definitely not good.

So, I'm here and there's all these faces peering down at me, and they're _huge_… so much bigger than I am. And they're so loud… I mean come on… _indoor voices people_. Or maybe it's just because I'm not used to not having anything between me and them when they're talking.

Because I recognise the voices – some of them, anyway. There's someone yelling "Is he okay?" and then one of the faces looking down at me is talking as well, saying that I'm fine and that I'm a boy… wow, she's quick.

Then she sticks something in my mouth – er, _excuse me_! That I do not like, and I let her know my distaste by screaming. Really loudly.

It doesn't seem to bother her though – in fact she seemed really happy that I'm screaming at her. I scream louder. No change. Hmm… interesting.

"Teyla, would you like to cut the cord?"

_You want to do what to my cord? WHAT!?_

"Yes, alright…"

That voice I definitely know. That's the woman who talks to me all the time. But seriously, _my cord_? First they rip me out of my… wherever I was… and now they want to kill me?

There's a hand coming towards me and it's holding something… it looks sharp. I try to move away but it doesn't work the way I hope – in fact I don't move at all. I try screaming louder, but that doesn't stop the hand either. This is it. The end. Goodbye cruel world!

I close my eyes. I can't look. I wait for the crushing blackness to take me into its relentless nothingness…

Wait a minute. I'm alive. I'm still screaming, there are still people round me. I open my eyes again just in time to see my severed cord being pushed away. I'm a little embarrassed by what a fuss I made over it getting cut, and try to cover it by continuing to scream. This tactic seems to work.

I'm lifted up – can't tell you how _weird _that is – and wrapped in something soft. I immediately feel warmer, which is something I guess. But the whole being carried thing… I'm not sure I like it. At all.

I'm still screaming when I come to a sudden stop, and feel two new arms hold on to me. I hear someone shushing me in soothing tone and I realise it's that voice again, the one that was always talking to me when I was in there. I leave off the screaming for a moment and open my eyes.

The face looking down at me is… well… actually she looks kind of crappy. She's sweating and her eyes are all puffy and her skin is all blotchy and her hair is all over the place…but she's smiling. That's kind of nice. And it's not bad, here in her arms…

Yes. This I can definitely get used to.

"Hello," she says quietly, still smiling.

_Howdy_.

A guy steps into view, and he looks almost as bad as the woman. His hair is _really_ messy.

"Hey kid," he says.

Another voice I know. When I was… in there… there were men's voices I heard a lot, and he was one of them.

I give him a blink of greeting. Best I can do I'm afraid.

He's smiling as well – it's quite nice that all these people are happy to see me. It does the old ego good.

"I'm John," the guy says.

_Tough break, buddy._

John. Bor-ing. I don't know what _my _name is yet, but here's hoping it's something really cool, like… _Replicator_. I heard people saying that a lot when I was in there; no clue what it means but it sure is a cool name!

I look up at the woman holding me. _So what's your name missy? _

She doesn't tell me – she just tucks me in closer to her and kisses my forehead. Which I don't mind. In fact, I'm super-comfortable… uh-oh. I'm falling asleep. I'm not sure sleep is such a good idea – the last time I fell asleep I woke up to being squeezed out of my place. Who knows what might happen to me _out here_.

She shifts me closer to her again and I feel my eyelids drooping. _Oh to hell with it._

XXXXX

I have no idea how long I slept for, but when I woke up I wasn't being squeezed, which was nice. But I'm lying here, on something very flat, and I'm looking up at two faces peering down at me. They're both men – one has short hair and the other… well, the less said about _his _hair the better.

"Look, he's awake," said the short-hair one. _Yet another recognisable voice. _

"I can see that Rodney," says the other.

_Rodney? Ouch._

They go back to just staring at me, which I get bored of very quickly. Given that I have no other means of expressing this, I start to scream again. If I wasn't so fed up, I would find their reactions funny. The two of them jump back like they've been bitten, and they look so scared anyone would think I was gonna explode.

John appears from nowhere, looking concerned. "What did you do?" He demands.

"Nothing!" Comes the indignant reply. From both of them.

John gives them a look that clearly says he doesn't believe them. Meanwhile, I'm still screaming. _Hellooooooo?!_

"What do we do?" Asks Rodney.

"Er – doc? Doc!" Yells John.

_Doc? What the hell is doc?_

"Doc – he's crying!"

Another voice answers – the voice I recognise from before. "Really? I couldn't tell."

"Ha ha," replies Rodney sarcastically.

"And you're all just standing here? For heaven's sake…"

The owner of the voice comes into view, and sure enough it's the woman who had the bright idea to cut my cord. The crazy, crazy woman.

She walks over to me and, without any warning, picks me up. I'm surprised into silence for a moment.

"Babies cry, it's what they do," she says.

_Damn right_. I start to scream again.

"Let me take him to Teyla," she says. "_Move_, Ronon."

_Ronon_. Huh. Now that's not too bad. Not as good as Replicator, of course, but not bad. And Teyla… that must be the woman who was holding me earlier. Cool.

I'm carried through an open doorway and see Teyla sitting up in bed, looking worried. I feel a little guilty, but not enough to stop screaming.

"Is he alright?" She asks.

"He's _fine_," answers the Doc person.

_Speak for yourself, darlin'._

"The guys just balked when he started to cry," she says as she hands me over to Teyla. She settles me against her and I leave off with the screaming a little bit.

"Hey – it's not like we have much experience with babies!" Says Rodney. He and the others must have followed us.

I look up at Teyla and see she's smiling at me again. I stop screaming, though I whimper every now and then, just to keep them all on their toes. No point letting them get too comfortable.

The Doc steps away and John, Rodney and Ronon come back into view. They're all looking at me.

_Do I have something on my face? What!?_

I look back at them, and notice that they all look really bad. And not just their hair – though it certainly doesn't help, especially with Ronon. No, they all look like they've been beaten up. Rodney has bruises on his neck and jaw. Ronon has a cut on his forehead with stitches on it, and John has a bandage on his wrist as well as a bruised eye. They've obviously been having fun somewhere.

"You decide on a name?" Asks Ronon.

_Ooh… moment of truth!_

"I have," says Teyla. "I am going to name him after my father."

_Okay… and…? _

"Nice," says Ronon.

_That better not be the name._

"Tagan, right?" Says Rodney.

_Tagan? Tagan… Tagan Tagan Tagan. I guess that's… well, it's really boring, actually. But it could be worse. _I look at Rodney and John. _Oh yes, it definitely could be worse_.

"Yes," says Teyla. She gives me another smile before looking at the guys again. "Tagan John."

_She's kidding. That was a joke, right? _

The guys all look at each other, obviously surprised. I look at John – he's staring at Teyla in shock. Then he blinks and clears his throat, smiling a little. "That's er… um… wow."

_Jeez, I can't even speak and can form sentences more coherently than that. But that's beside the point. Tagan John? Could my name be any more BORING? Ugh. _

They start talking again, but I tune out. I'm starting to get annoyed… fretful… I'm feeling weird… Oh no – I'm hungry. I'm hungry… starving…

And these maniacs cut my cord.

I'm going to die. I'm so going to die! I start to scream again – it just seems like the most sensible thing to do.

"He's probably hungry, Teyla," says the Doc person. _Regular little detective, she is. _"You should try feeding him."

"And we're _out of here!_" Exclaims John loudly.

Obviously he doesn't want to be around to see me die. I mean, how is Teyla supposed to feed me without my cord?

The end is nigh.

XXXXX

So, it turns out Teyla has a highly efficient method of feeding me without my cord. And it also turns out that there are lots and lots and _lots_ of people in this place, because I haven't had two seconds to myself all day. There's been a constant stream of visitors, and as far as I can tell their sole aim in visiting is to peer down at me and say "awww…"

This is all well and good, but it gets _slightly _annoying after the first fifty or so people.

Also, I'm totally confused by Teyla. I thought that's what her name is, but people keep calling her 'Mommy' as well, which she seems to like even though it's the stupidest name I've heard so far. It's worse than Rodney. Though, apart from the confusing name situation and the fact that she called me _Tagan John_, I like Teyla. She's alright.

It's a good thing I like her, since it seems that she's the only way I'm ever gonna eat. Though, I also have a sneaking suspicion that when I was _inside_, I was inside _her_. I know, it sounds _crazy_… but I can't shake the feeling I'm connected to her…

Well anyway, I'm gonna get me some shut-eye. It's been a really, _really _long day, and I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be pretty trying as well.

_TBC_


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all for the feedback – I'm sorry that I've kept you waiting for this chapter. It's quite short and a bit of a filler… but I'll hopefully have chapter three up within a couple of days. You probably don't believe me.

Happy reading!

**Chapter Two – The Mystery of the Strange Hanging Contraption**

So, I've been out for about a week now and in that time I've sussed out quite a bit. For instance, the place that I'm in is _huge_, like I said. Teyla took me out onto what she told me was called a 'balcony', which is basically a room that they forgot to build walls for. Teyla often tells me the names of things, which is very useful otherwise I'd be completely

at sea... but we've strayed off the point. What was the point? Oh yes - the size of Atlantis. Huge. Absolutely humongous.

You've probably noticed that I also figured out the name of the place: Atlantis. See, now that's a cool name. Tagan John... _sigh_. I tell you, if it wasn't for the fact that Teyla is my one chance of ever being fed again, I would shun her for her woeful naming skills.

Well, that's not strictly true. I like her really. But anyway.

On the subject of names, another thing I've noticed is that everyone I've met so far has at least three names each. Take John, for example. Teyla calls him John, but I've heard people call him 'Colonel' and 'Sheppard' and even 'Sir' a few times. I'm pretty sure that John is his name, and as that Sam lady is also called 'Colonel' sometimes and the two of them couldn't possibly be related, that must just be some kind of title. God only knows about the 'Sheppard', though.

Teyla has been called loads of things as well, which confused me no end - everyone calls her Teyla, but when they're talking to me and refer to her, they always call her something else. Now, you'd think that since I've just been born and haven't had all that much time to acclimatize myself to this new environment, they'd make things simple for me, wouldn't you? Well, nooooooo is the answer to that, buddy. I've counted no fewer than nine different names for Teyla so far: Mom, Mommy, Momma, Mother, Mama, Mum, Mummy, Ma, Mamka... there'll probably be some new ones soon.

I'm not even going to attempt to understand what they're going on about - I'm sticking with 'Teyla'.

Anyway, the point of this little tirade is to prove that as week-old babies go, I'm not dumb. I reckon I'm up there with the best of them. But this - this I _can not_ figure out.

I'm lying in my crib. It's comfy enough, and nice and warm, so that's not a problem. The problem is the... things... hanging above my head. They're attached to a long stick which in turn is attached to the head of my crib, and they're these little plastic things that just... hang there.

Why? What is their purpose? I just don't get it... I've been racking my brains for hours now but I've got nothing. I can't reach them, so they're not for me to play with. They don't make noise or do anything, really, so they can't be for entertainment. And I don't think they're for decoration, either, because who in their right mind puts red with purple and orange?

No. They just... hang there. Dangling in front of me, out of reach. I heard someone say to Teyla the other day that I was going to grow faster than she would be able to keep up with – I hope this is true, because as soon as I can reach them the dangly things are _coming down_.

I have other reasons for wanting to grow. For one, some of the outfits Teyla puts me in are truly detestable, and the sooner I'm too big for them, the better. There's only so much spit I can produce at a time to get them in such a mess they need to be removed. Another reason is that I will need to be bigger in order to achieve fruition in my dastardly plan.

Now, the plan is to do with Ronon. Or, to be more specific, Ronon's hair. Every time Ronon leans over my crib, his hair is all I can see, and all I can think of when I see the hair is how much I want to pull on it. I mean, it's just asking to be pulled on, isn't it? But I'm not big enough. He never gets close enough for me to reach his hair, and besides I'm not sure that my hands are big enough to wrap round his hair yet. So, I need to grow.

I'm going to bide my time, grow bigger, and then when he least expects it - wham! I get me a fistful of hair. Hopefully I can pull some of it out, forcing him to get rid of the rest of the stupid things. It would be for his own good.

John's hair, however, has grown on me. After seeing some of the other hairstyles sported by the inhabitants of Atlantis, I have to admit that his hair is by far the best. Now, considering the lack of style displayed by said inhabitants, saying that about John's hair isn't the great honour one would think it was, but it works for him.

I've had plenty of opportunities to study John's hair, because he is _always _around. The guy practically _lives _with me and Teyla. And I don't think it's me he comes to see.

I've surmised from the fact that I was _named after him_ that John and Teyla are good friends. I've also figured out that they work together in some way… people keep mentioning a team of some kind… and I think Rodney and Ronon are on the team as well. But there's something else going on, I'm sure.

He's always coming in, asking if Teyla's okay and whether she needs something. I'm pretty sure this isn't his usual behaviour, because Teyla has started rolling her eyes every time he comes in.

So anyway, John's here at the moment, talking to Teyla on the other side of the room. We're in what Teyla calls 'quarters', which is a much nicer place than the one we were in before.

I'm feeling quite tired, and I want to have a nap, but the hanging things are bugging the hell out of me. Suddenly John appears next to my crib, and gives me a smile.

"Hey, Tag, how's it going?"

Oh, I forgot to say _I _have a whole collection of names as well. As well as Tagan, I've been called Bubba, Little'un, Cutie, Sweetie and, as you've just heard, John calls me Tag. Which I actually don't mind all that much.

John reaches down and strokes my hand, and I grab hold of his finger. He gives me another smile.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" John says.

_Shouldn't you?_

John leans forward, about to say something else, but before he can he hits his head on the hanging thing. Poor guy.

He jerks back and bats at one of the things with his hand, setting it spinning round.

"You know, I never got mobiles," John said.

Teyla walks over and stands on the other side of the crib. "What is wrong with them?" She asks John.

"Nothing's _wrong _with them," says John. "But they're kinda pointless." He bats at the hanging thing again, and Teyla smiles.

So, it's called a mobile. That's a _really _stupid name.

"I like it," says Teyla.

"You can get some really cool ones," says John. "But this one's kinda… er…"

"It was a gift from Dr Whitney," says Teyla reproachfully.

John looks down at me. "How do you like the mobile, Tag?" He asks. "If you like it, say 'yes'."

_He's got you there, Teyla._

Teyla just rolls her eyes and shakes her head. John grins.

"So, you're okay?" He asks. "You don't need anything?"

"John, I am _fine_," she says. "Really – you do not have to check on me every ten minutes."

"I _do not _check on you every ten minutes!" He protests.

_Yeah right._

Teyla just smiles and looks down at me. John pulls his hand out of my grip and steps back, slightly out of my view.

"Okay, well, I've gotta go check in with Lorne's team, but I'll pop back in on my way to the meeting with the Rulians," he says.

"Which is in fifteen minutes," says Teyla pointedly.

There's a short pause. "Okay, point taken," says John. "I'll back off." Another pause. "See you later then."

Teyla turns away from me, and I assume she's watching John leave. "Goodbye, John," she calls after him. I hear the sound of the door opening and then closing.

Teyla looks back down at me and raises an eyebrow. "He'll be back," she says.

_That I do not doubt._

Teyla reaches down and strokes my hair. "Go to sleep," she says gently.

And you know what, now that the mystery of the mobile is solved, I don't mind if I do.

_TBC_


	3. Chapter 3

See, you didn't believe me when I said I'd have the next chapter up in a couple of days, did you? Well… here it is! Enjoy, and have a great New Year!! Should old acquaintance be forgot and all that jazz!

Ruby x

**Chapter Three – Eavesdropping is a good way of getting answers.**

I have to say, Teyla's quarters are _much _nicer than John's. Hers has pretty cloths and candles and incense and ornaments. John's…well… just _doesn't_. They're very bare. Except I did notice a couple of things.

There's a couple of wooden contraptions by the door. One is a flat rectangle with what I think are wheels… who knows what that's meant to be for. And the other is a completely random shape and has bits of wire on it. It looks like it would be fun to bash against the wall, something I will be sure to try as soon as I am big enough.

There's also a large picture on the wall of a man holding one of said random wooden things. Now, this picture I know about, since John told me what it was as soon as Teyla left.

I was sitting in my carrier seat, and Teyla had handed me over to John and walked out. I barely had time to wonder where she was going before John started to talk.

"So, Tag, welcome to my quarters," he said, giving me a smile. "And don't worry, your Mom will be back soon, so you don't have to put up with me for long."

I was very relieved to hear this. I mean, Teyla had left me alone with other people before, but never John. In fact, never a man.

I hate to be so sceptical about other members of my sex at so young an age, but given the looks of sheer panic and general air of helplessness I detect from every man that comes into contact with me, I can only surmise that in general they are not the people you want to leave a baby with. Not the ones on Atlantis, anyway.

At least John doesn't look scared to be alone with me. That's something anyway.

Now, what was I talking about before I went off on this tangent? Oh yeah – the picture. John turned me towards it and pointed.

"That's called a poster, Tag," he said. "It's of a guy called Johnny Cash, who was a musician. I'll play you some of his music sometime – you'll love it."

_We'll see._

After my introduction to Johnny Cash, John showed me the view from his window, which is pretty much the same as Teyla's. He put me down on his sofa and was just starting to look like he didn't know what to do next when Ronon walked in.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I heard you were babysitting."

"So you've come to lend moral support?"

"Something like that."

So, that is how I found myself to be in the care of John and Ronon. Can't say I'm inspired with confidence, and I'm just about to make myself heard when they start talking, so I keep quiet. The conversation turns out to be pretty interesting.

"He looks like Teyla," says Ronon.

_Excellent, I look like a woman. Thanks a lot buddy. _

"Yeah he does," agrees John.

_Thanks to you too._

"So how's Teyla doing?" Asks Ronon.

"Didn't you just see her?"

"Yeah, but only for a second," says Ronon. "And I haven't seen her a lot lately – _you're _the one who's been bugging her all the time."

"I haven't been _bugging _her," says John, looking a little annoyed.

Ronon snorts. "Yeah, whatever," he says. "She was missing for over a month – of course you're bugging her."

_Missing? You what now?_

"She's fine," says John. "A little quiet and keeping to herself a lot, but that's hardly surprising with what she went through."

"Yeah," says Ronon.

"At least she's got the Athosians here in the city with her," says John.

_Ah, the Athosians. They __love__ me. Though I must say that they are largely responsible for most of the terrible clothing I have to endure, so they obviously don't love me that much._

"Most of them," says Ronon darkly. "We still don't –"

"Yeah, I know," says John.

_Well good for you, buddy, but I don't, so let the man finish. _

"Are you gonna tell her?" Asks Ronon.

John is staring at my foot very intently. "Tell her what?" He says.

"You know what I'm talking about," says Ronon.

John's still staring at my foot, and there's a faint tinge of pink to his cheeks. "I was drunk –"

_What the heck is drunk?_

"I've seen you drink more than that," says Ronon, not sounding at all placated.

John finally decides my foot really isn't that interesting, and looks up at Ronon. He looks kind of mad. When he speaks again his voice is firm. "I was _drunk_, I was angry we couldn't go after her, I said some things that were –"

"You said that Teyla was your single biggest regret in life," interrupts Ronon, folding his arms. "And that –"

"I know what I said, Ronon, okay?" Says John, standing up suddenly. "Just drop it. It's too late."

He glares at Ronon, who looks back at him calmly.

"Okay," he replies after a moment.

John walks away, out of my line of sight, and I hear him moving things around in the middle of the room. Ronon watches him silently, his arms still folded, his eyes narrowed.

Man, I really want to pull his hair.

Instead I think over what I just heard. This goes a long way to answering some of questions. Something happened to Teyla, and the reason John kept checking on her was because she'd been gone for a while. And, apparently, because he… what? Had feelings for her?

I'm not sure what I feel about that. I'm not sure if he's good enough for her. I don't think I've met anyone so far who is.

John appears next to me again and picks up my carry chair, only to put me back down again two seconds later in the middle of the floor. He unbuckles me and takes me out of my chair, and lays me on my playmat. I realise that that was what he'd been setting up when I couldn't see him.

John picks up one of my toys and waves it in front of me. If I could roll my eyes I would.

"What you gonna do with him now?" Asks Ronon from the other side of the room.

John shrugs. "Dunno," he says. "What do babies do?"

"No idea."

I can't say I have absolute faith in their ability to look after me properly.

Ronon comes and stands next to John, and looks down at me. The hair is just hanging there, crazy all over the place… soon. Soon.

"So… Tagan John, huh?" He says. _I_ can hear the mock-casualness of his tone, but John seems pretty oblivious as he continues to look at me.

"Yeah?"

"She named him after you."

_Bah. Don't remind me._

John smiles sheepishly. "I know," he says. "I couldn't believe it. I guess it's because I stayed with her when she was… _what_?"

Even John the Oblivious doesn't miss the look Ronon gives him. Ronon quirks an eyebrow.

"You really think Teyla named her baby after you because you stayed with her while she was in labour?"

_Probably not – I was there too and I didn't get a say in it. _

John shrugs. "Well we're good friends," he says.

Ronon rolls his eyes. "So are _me _and Teyla. And Rodney and Teyla. You don't see her calling him Tagan John Ronon Rodney Emmagen, do you?"

John snorts. "Because that would border on child abuse," he replies.

_Amen to that._

Ronon doesn't think it's funny. "John –"

"What's your point, Ronon?" Says John, turning to face Ronon.

Ronon looks him right in the eye. "She named her son after you," he said. "It's a big deal."

John frowns. "Only if _you _make it a big deal."

Ronon looks a little surprised. "So you don't think it's –"

John shakes his head. "I'm… flattered… obviously," he says, his voice softening. "I mean, it's not every day someone names their kid after you. But it doesn't mean anything. It's not a big deal."

_Ooh he's got some cheek. I have to go around with his boring-ass name for the rest of my life and he doesn't even see what an honour it is? He is sooo not good enough for Teyla._

Ronon raises an eyebrow, looking unconvinced. "If you say so."

John folds his arms. "I do."

Ronon folds his arms as well. "Okay."

"Good."

"Fine."

"Fine."

_There's no telling how long this could go on for. _I start to whimper, kicking my legs and glaring at the two of them threateningly. It has the desired affect – the two of them drop their arms and turn back to me, looking slightly panicked.

"You made him cry," says Ronon to John.

John glares at him. "I _did not _make him cry," he says. "If anyone did it was you."

_No need to fight guys – it was a tie. _

He leans over me and places a hand on my chest. "Hey, what's up big guy?" He says.

"I'm all good," says Ronon.

_Hee hee. Not bad. _

John straightens up and glares at Ronon again. "I was talking to – oh go away," he says, noticing Ronon's smirk.

Ronon frowns. "I'm babysitting," he says.

"I got it," says John.

Ronon smirks again. "You want time alone with John Junior?" He nods and cuts off what was sure to have been an angry retort from John. "Okay, see you later."

And off he goes. _John Junior – he is so gonna pay for that_.

"Bye," says John, watching him leave. He sits down on the floor next to me and raises an eyebrow at me.

"Ronon's a little crazy," he says. "It's the weight of all that hair."

_If weight of hair is proportionate to sanity, I guess that explains why I'm the sanest person around. _

_TBC_


End file.
